Red (2010) Film 56/50

I turned on my television this morning to discover that Red was just starting. Although I vaguely recall it receiving less than favorable reviews, I decided to give it a shot. And while I usually enjoy watching Bruce Willis dodge bullets (even in a role that steals every burned spy movie cliché from the get-go), it was Karl Urban that kept me watching. Sorry, old guys.

And while Red certainly has its share of explosions and CGI effects, this movie isn't really about the plot. It's about the characters. Why else would the filmmakers spend the majority of its budget on what I can only imagine to be a very costly casting bill. So let's take a look at our stars.

(Note: I didn't learn a single one of their respective characters' names.)

Bruce Willis is John McClane on crack. Mary-Louise Parker is a wretched excuse of a romantic lead. Morgan Freeman plays a combination of his Bucket List and Dark Knight roles but ultimately comes across as just another a skeevy old man. Karl Urban is the by-the-book-won't-quit-until-he-dies-CIA-agent-out-to-kill-everyone. That Lady From The Winslow Boy That I Don't Think I've Ever Seen In Another Movie is Urban's obviously evil boss lady. John Malkovich is crazy and paranoid (although it's not really paranoia if they really are out to get you, right?). James Remar gets a few minutes to practice his southern accent. Brian Cox gets to practice his Russian accent while hitting on Helen Mirren. Helen Mirren does flower arrangements and kills people, darling. Richard Dreyfuss has less-than-responsible global responsibilities. Julian McMahon plays a vice-president who is so anti-American he has a flag with only 32 stars and 9 stripes. And Ernest Borgnine is probably glad this wasn't his final performance.

And for a supposedly covert agency, this movie's version of the CIA does very little to keep its business from the public. Apparently when an agent is "tagged R.E.D." (Retired and Extremely Dangerous), that gives the government the right to kill them using lots and lots and lots of bullets. Without regards for the fact that the police or neighbors or air traffic control may be watching.

Really, this movie doesn't have much to offer. At all. Not even your performance was enough to make it worthwhile, Karl.

In fact, this movie could be summed up in a short play. Enjoy.

Just trying to enjoy a single Christmas where he isn't being shot at, Bruce Willis is forced to take a last-minute trip to Kansas City in hopes of getting laid and not getting killed.

WILLIS: (while successfully dodging rounds upon rounds of automatic gunfire) Yeah. I speak Chinese. Let's go kill everyone in the CIA, since that's what they're trying to do to us.
PARKER: This is just like my romance novel! Except with less sex and more bazookas. Count me in!
FREEMAN: I'd join you, but I'm old. And Stage 4 Liver Cancer makes it easier to look at my nurse's bazookas than to run from them. I'm okay with you killing my character off. Really.
MALKOVICH: I'm bringing my pig. Try stopping me. And don't call me old.

Back at CIA Headquarters...

URBAN: These actors are ancient but aren't dying fast enough on their own. And their social security is a threat to national security.
WINSLOW BOY LADY: Kill all the old people. Kill them all! Now!
URBAN: Do you care if everyone is watching while I kill them?
WINSLOW BOY LADY: I can live with that.

Somewhere in Suburban Connecticut...

MIRREN: Bruce, you've been shot. Let me crochet you a tourniquet.
PARKER: You sure do love Bruce, don't you?
MIRREN: Probably wouldn't stop me from putting three bullets in his chest if MI6 asked me to, darling.

Once Willis is patched up, everyone heads off to find former marine biologist turned arms dealer, Richard Dreyfuss.

DREYFUSS: Welcome to my safe room. You could shoot a bullet in here, and no one would ever know. Don't you love the wainscoting? Wait...why have you duct taped me to this chair?
MALKOVICH: Can I set his nipples on fire now?
DREYFUSS: It was the vice-president! He's wants you all dead!
WILLIS: Biden? I mean...I could maybe see Scott Ryan ordering the hit against us, but seriously. Joe Biden?
DREYFUSS: I didn't say Biden! I said the vice-president! A generic, entirely fictional vice-presidential character!

Cue ringing telephone.

URBAN: Hey buddy! What's going on in there? Want to come out and play so I can kill you already?
WILLIS: Tell me...was it...the vice-president who asked you to arrange this playdate? Let me guess, there was an anonymous tip that told you I wanted to go barhopping with God tonight, wasn't there?
URBAN: Well, yeah. So...you coming out to play?
WILLIS: Just tell your men not to fire. Okay?
URBAN: Sure thing, pal.

Everyone goes outside to play. Somebody shoots.

PARKER: Oops! Clumsy ol' me got caught by the CIA. And although they've riddled every other useless plot element with bullets, they decide to use me as bait.

Everyone realizes they've lost Mary-Louise in one of the most unbelievably ridiculous plot devices ever: the Bella Swan fall.

COX: Who needs American nobody when you can have sexy Russian beast like me! Right, Helen?
MALKOVICH: Get a room. But let me search it for bugs first.
MIRREN: Well, the vice-president is hosting a fundraising gala at a hotel tonight. There are rooms there. And I've got a lovely, new necklace that I was hoping to wear, too!
WILLIS: And we can kill the vice-president while we're there! Two birds with one ginormous machine gun! Yippie-kai-yay, motherfucker.

As predicted, they all show up at the vice-president's gala and begin shooting anything with a bullet-proof surface.

GUNS: Bang! Bang! Bang!
MALKOVICH: I remember the secret service being tougher.
MIRREN: Bugger. One of the three billion bullets they've shot hit my appendix. My pretty white dress is ruined!
COX: I can help you with that dress.
VICE-PRESIDENT: I can't believe my secret service haven't killed these people already! I know. I'll hop into this conveniently-placed limousine branded with what looks like the White House emblem that couldn't possibly be driven by Bruce Willis.
URBAN: Stop! That limo is being driven by Bruce Willis!
WILLIS: This is not about revenge.
VICE-PRESIDENT: So what's it about then? You going to kill me?
WILLIS: Not just you.
VICE-PRESIDENT: That sounds like revenge.

Having successfully kidnapped the vice-president, Bruce calls his pal Urban and demands a meeting.

WILLIS: Where is Mary-Louise?
URBAN: Wishing she were growing weed.
VICE-PRESIDENT: I don't want anything to do with this anymore!
DREYFUSS: (shoots vice-president) Okay.
WILLIS: You're the one behind all this!? Look, I just want the girl.
DREYFUSS: And I just want to frame you for the assassination of the vice-president. Everyone cool with that?
WINSLOW BOY LADY: Urban, this is happening with or without you.
URBAN: (shoots her) That's for starring in that boring British movie based on a most likely even more boring play.
MALKOVICH: (shoots Dreyfuss) Take this, The Man!
WILLIS: Is this mess something you can take care of?
URBAN: Don't worry about it, Grandpa.

All the bad guys are dead, so our valiant heroes all hop into a limo and live happily ever after. 

WILLIS: Wanna make out?
PARKER: Sure.
MALKOVICH (AND EVERYONE EVERYWHERE): Eeeewwww!

And so concludes one of the lamest Bruce Willis' movies ever. How the hell did they convince anyone that Red 2 was a good idea?