15 June 2012

Fifty Shades of Grey
Book 11/50

fifty shades of grey book cover
I don't know what you're all talking about...this book is tame.

Just kidding! For the record, I'm nowhere near being done with it yet.

So I've decided to run this review a bit differently than my past ones. Instead of waiting until I've completed reading the book, I'm going to review it in stages. As I start this post, I am currently on page 70. I should also probably warn you that this book is far from tame, and as such, my review of it may also be less than conservative.

Consider yourself warned.

Now on to the journey that is Fifty Shades of Grey...

Chapters ONE to FOUR
Phase One in which Anastasia gets her oats.

Meet Anastasia Steele and Katherine Kavanaugh. College roommates finishing up their final year. Katherine (or Kate, as she's referred to more informally) is a fiery journalism student who always gets her way. Our narrator, Miss Steele, believes this to be a result of Kate's rich upbringing. I personally believe Kate gets her way because she surrounds herself with weak personalities (like Anastasia Steele) who will cave to peer pressure at the drop of a hat. They're a match made in dominant-submissive relationship heaven.

But this is not the pairing that have all the women in American running out to bookstores, firing up their Amazon accounts or downloading to their e-readers as if trying to escape from a burning building.

Enter Christian Grey. CEO of Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.

Anastasia (which is a stupid name and I much prefer when she goes by Ana) meets Mr. Grey by chance when Kate gets ill and coerces her roomie into doing an interview with the entrepreneur in her absentia. Ana, not doing any advance research other than to take but not read the list of interview questions that Kate as prepared, drives off to Grey Headquarters (which, apparently, is overrun with sexy blond administrative assistants). Grey agrees to meet with her in Miss Kavanaugh's place and immediately takes a liking to Miss Steele, which is painfully obvious to everyone but Miss Steele. She is not the brightest of bulbs.

Once the stage has been set, the following three chapters detail Anastasia trying to complete the following daily activities: working at a local hardware shop (which Grey randomly stops in to buy rope and masking tape...foreshadowing?), studying for her final exams, and avoiding thoughts of Mr. Grey's eyes. We also discover that Anastasia has two suitors-of-sorts: José the Photography Student and Paul the Hardware Store Owner's Brother. Ana makes it clear to the reader that she is not attracted in the slightest to either party.

She also agrees to arrange a photo-shoot of Mr. Grey for Kate's article. Guess which suitor is pulled in to help with that? Following the photo-shoot, Mr. Grey continues to toy with Anastasia by asking her out for coffee and then promptly telling her that he doesn't do the "girfriend thing." She almost gets run over my a bike messenger and might have got a severe cut had it not been for Grey saving her in the nick of time.

Oh, and she takes her final exams and celebrates by getting drunk for the first time in her life ever. A senior in college?! Seriously?! Then she drunk dials Christian Grey to demand an excuse for him sending her an anonymous package containing a Tess of the D'Urbavilles quote and a collection of mighty expensive first editions. CHRISTIAN GREY IS CLEARLY A PSCYHO! Run away!

This grouping of chapters wraps up with a super-intoxicated Anastasia being rescued from a José-Date-Rape-Experience by Mr. Uber-Stalker Grey. And then she vomits all over the place. So would I.

Why does everyone like this book so much? So far, I hate all of the characters. It's the premise of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight but without the vampires (dear lord, please don't let there be vampires). The closest our "protagonist" gets to actively participating in the events that surround her is when she drunk dials Christian Grey...and that was only because her friends got her wasted first.

So why is Grey obsessed with Steele exactly? She's demonstrated only that she can't walk without falling (Bella Swan), she has vomited all over him (Snooki), and she's a complete doormat of a person (Cathy). Is this really what men want?

And then there's Christian Grey. From what I can gather so far, he's a control freak (Edward Cullen), dresses only in white linen shirts and grey flannel pants that "hang on his hips" (okay...that's sort of sexy), has noticeably long fingers (E.T.), and stalker tendencies (Ted Bundy). Is this really what women want?

Let's see where the next few chapters get us...


Chapters FIVE to EIGHT
"Holy Fuck!" - Anastasia Steele (repeated line)

That or some variation of "Holy <expletive>" repeated throughout these chapters.

I would tell you more about these four chapters, but my inner goddess has signed a non-disclosure agreement. And my outer lawyer is livid that I didn't read all of the fine print prior to signing, too.

But I will tell you this. There was sex. WAY more detail than Stephenie Meyer would write. It might make Charlaine Harris blush. But probably just your standard Wednesday night at the Kardashian house, if you ask me.

I would also like to add that my "hard limits" list would be very similar to Christian's. The actual contract could probably just read, "I won't do anything Christian Grey wouldn't do."


Chapters NINE to TWELVE
"I've never had vanilla sex before." - Christian Grey, page 132

Apparently, that was "vanilla sex" we encountered in Chapter Eight. So the bathtub scene followed by the fun-time with silk tie experience in Chapter Nine is chocolate chip?

And we got to meet Christian's mother!

Out of all the issues people could have with this book (the unhealthy life-choices, the less-than-ideal exemplar for romantic relationships, the horrendous use of the English language in general), the two most egregious offenses are...

1) Grey's strange obsession with having a clean plate. Seriously?! Something bad happened to him regarding food as a small child, didn't it? I really hope this gets explained later. I couldn't care less about why he's into the sexual kinkiness that he is, but the whole "you-must-eat-every-last-bite-or-I-will-glare-at-you-until-you-do" philosophy creeps me the hell out!

2) How could Ana make it all the way to her senior year of college WITHOUT owning her own computer? Does this story take place in 1995? Aren't personal computers an admissions requirement at this point? I get that Ana doesn't come from the wealthy background that Kate does, but you can't expect us to believe that she couldn't manage even a slightly older model laptop for a couple of hundred dollars? Weeeeiiirrrrd.

For the record, I absolutely loved Chapter Eleven. Maybe it's my strange fascination with law, but that pre-domination agreement that Christian gave to Ana really got me going. Appendix 3 could do with a glossary though. I mean, I think I have a good idea what a "spreadbar" is, but I'm afraid of what advertising I'll be subjected to if I run a Google search to find out for sure.

So before I embark on Chapter Thirteen, please allow me recap for you all what I have gleaned so far from the previous 206 pages:

a) Silk ties can leave marks on your wrists if tied tight enough.
b) If you tell a man you never want to see him again, he will come running to your bedroom door wielding a silk tie and white wine. If you're lucky, he may even baby-bird you the wine. Who knew you could do that with liquids, right?
c) Always read the non-disclosure agreement before you sign! Duh!
d) Just because a guy can fly his own helicopter, it doesn't mean you have to sign a contract giving up all your rights to him on the first date. You can have until the following Wednesday to decide.

Oh...and every time Ana refers to her "inner goddess," my inner boxer wants to punch her in the face. Whether it's on her list of "soft limits" or not.

Okay. On to page 207!


Chapters THIRTEEN to FIFTEEN
Okay. I totally understand why this is a #1 New York Times Bestseller. Wouldn't recommend putting it on any high school summer reading lists though...

I should also note that we do learn more about Grey's food issues with this batch of chapters. Still uber-creepy.


Chapter SIXTEEN
No! You couldn't pay me enough money, give me enough first editions, or buy me enough Audis to sign Grey's contract after that. And Ana's reaction?! She adds "caning" to the list of hard limits.

Lady, you should add "humiliation" to the list of hard limits.

This chapter may just be the deal-breaker for me. I'll keep reading only because my sister wants me to write this review. I guess in that sense, she is the dominant to my submissive. Yes, mistress, may I have another...E L James' book? Add Fifty Shades Darker to my hard limits.

Kate is officially my favorite character in this book.


Chapters SEVENTEEN to TWENTY
Chapter Seventeen tries to make up for the abusive and humiliating punishment scene from the previous chapter. It fails miserably, in my opinion. I've lost any respect for Ana that I might have forged over the past 300 pages or so...which honestly wasn't much to begin with.

And yet I continue to read. Chapter Eighteen finally introduces Ana to some non-vanilla sex. It's definitely more than the chocolate chip sexcapades we encountered back in Chapter Nine but still not quite on the level of Ben & Jerry's "Everything But The..." coitus (at least, I don't think it is).

Then we get to witness a second "punishment" act where Ana is essentially date-raped. But when he's finished, Grey does allow her to wear the underwear that he stole from her...so there's that. No. Wait. That's still not a good thing.

We end off this batch with a non-punishment spanking that concludes with Grey admitting to Ana that his biological mother was a crack-whore.

As if that explains everything.

This book needs a seriously amazing climax (pun intended) in order for me to read the next in the series. Just sayin'.


Chapters TWENTY-ONE to TWENTY-FOUR
At this point in the book, I've actually become bored. Take that, you so-called erotic romance novel!

But seriously. I'm 400 pages into a book where our protagonist has come from being a virginal doormat to a sex-slave doormat. Ana sees all the red flags with Grey yet continues to let him get his control freak on by accepting his lavish gifts/loans while playing contractually hard to get. It's become old hat. Like a Lifetime for Women made-for-television movie. Just with lots and lots of naughty, naughty sex. They should really cast Melissa Gilbert or Valerie Bertinelli for the role of Ana. No one, I repeat, no one would watch that movie.

But really, Patrick Bergin should play Mr. Grey. After all, he played the same part so well in Sleeping with the Enemy. A shame he's not in his twenties.

Also...just because a guy remembers that you prefer Twinings English Breakfast tea, it doesn't mean you should relinquish all free will to him. I blame Ana's mother for this. And Thomas Hardy. Mostly, Thomas Hardy.

But you know what's really on my mind? What would that Miss America contestant think of this book? You know...the one who thought Julia Roberts role in Pretty Woman was a positive role model. I bet Miss Ohio would just love Anastasia Steele and her strong "woman power that I know we all have."

On a side note: this trilogy was totally financed by Twinings.

And apparently, IHOP. Seriously?! An "erotic romance" novel has a scene in an IHOP?! And I love how Grey orders "maple syrup and bacon on the side"...the maple syrup is sitting on the table right next to you, Christian. I don't buy for a second that he used to go to IHOP with his dad all the time as a child.

Control freak and liar! Run away!


Chapters TWENTY-FIVE to TWENTY-SIX (a.k.a. The End of Book I)
I can't believe I caved to peer pressure and read this book. Thanks for lending me your copy, Lauren. Enabler!

But seriously. "I've left him. The only man I've ever loved. The only man I've ever slept with." Ana needs a Sassy Gay Friend. Stat.

This book was horrible. Whore-able.

1 comment:

  1. This is hilarious.
    I had exactly the same thoughts as I was reading the book. You know it's not a good book when you can skip chapters and never feel like you missed out on the plot.

    ReplyDelete