Blue Lagoon: The Awakening (2012)

First, a disclaimer: I am NOT including this film among my 50/50 collection. This film was watched and reviewed PURELY for the benefit and entertainment of one Lauren Elizabeth Fidler. I can only hope that others will benefit/be entertained as well. But I make no guarantees. It is a Lifetime for Women made-for-TV movie.

On to the review. Be warned, there are spoilers. If you care.

The set-up: Emma is your average high school prom queen virgin suffering from severe peer-pressure and First World Problems. She just wants to study and help better the world, but her friends only want her to have sex with the school quarterback ("OMG! Steven Sullivan frickin' knows your name! You're so getting laid!") while her parents are busy signing her up for an eight-day Project for Humanity trip to Trinidad. She looks like Brooke Shields and Milla Jovovich had a baby...so she's totally getting stranded on an island.

Then, there's Dean McMullen. School misfit and bad boy. He used to be nice, but now he's ALWAYS late to class. So girls like Emma DO NOT hook up with the likes of Dean. His father pulled some strings to get him on the trip, in hopes of teaching him how to help the less fortunate. Foreshadowing!

Point plot numero uno: the boat scene. Following several days of building houses, scoping the boy-scene by the pool, and Skyping with parents at night, Emma is coerced into an evening of drunken debauchery (but this is Lifetime for Women...so that just means you get to see red Solo cups and a couple of glitter bikinis). The night ends with a police boat crashing the party. In the chaos of being boarded, a completely sober Emma is knocked off the boat and into the ocean. Dean the Stalker sees her fall and dives in after her. Somehow all of this goes completely unnoticed, including them taking the rubber lifeboat tied to the back of the boat. The police take the rest of the drunken teens back to shore while Emma and Dean sail off into the squall-ridden sunset.

Of course, no one knows that Emma and Dean are missing until the teachers running the fieldtrip do a head count the following morning. That's right...THE FOLLOWING MORNING! Those teachers best be fired. Not only did the majority of their students get arrested, they lost two at sea. I don't care if this is "not uncommon" (according to the Trinidadian police). That is a serious no-no for the U.S. educational system.

At first, Emma and Dean do not hit it off very well (even though all the stolen glances they've been giving each other throughout the previous fifteen minutes would suggest otherwise). He spends the hours complaining that she brought WATER (you know, that pesky-must-have-to-survive-liquid-o'-life) while all he has to provide are breath mints (he's John Bender, Andrew Clark, AND Brian Johnson all wrapped in one...The Breakfast Club trifecta!). Emma, on the other hand, maintains excellent posture and spots the island off in the distance. What's that saying about opposites attracting?

The teens make it to shore just as the rest of world is finally awakening to the idea that another Blue Lagoon movie is probably not what the world needs right now. Even if it did score Christopher Atkins of The Blue Lagoon (1980) fame. What a coup. Really.

I can tell you right here where this movie went wrong: it was made. But seriously, in the other two Blue Lagoon films, the children grow up on the island. They are never exposed (or were very young when exposed) to the "modern" world. In this case, the teens are dropped into wilderness knowing how to make fire and write college essays. And yes, that college essay about swimming under a beautiful Caribbean waterfall will TOTALLY get you into Princeton, Emma.

But even with her book smarts and his street smarts, the two manage to lose the lifeboat, turn a life preserver into a pillow, and share a granola bar. Even though they keep checking their one working cellphone for a signal (as if a bar or two will magically appear), I think these two crazy kids might just make it all work.

Meanwhile, back in civilization...the parents have finally arrived in Trinidad to not yell at their teachers. Seriously?! I don't have kids, but I'm pretty sure my fist would be in one of those educators' faces. Probably the blond chick's though, since Atkins would probably sue me for damaging his money maker.

My favorite part of this sequence is the Skype session between Emma's parents and her less-loved sister (I think her name is Stacy, but much like everyone else, couldn't care less about her or her name). Their conversation goes like this:

DENISE RICHARDS/MOM: We spent the day searching for her out on a boat. They're going to take us out again tomorrow to look.
DAD: Honey, we're probably going to have a stay a few more days. Is that going to be okay with you?
OTHER DAUGHTER: You guys don't love me.
DAD: So...is that...a yes?

Why did they even write her character into this?!

Back in paradise, the prom queen takes a bath in the lagoon (research for that college essay) while John Bender ogles her naked back. They have no idea that the "search and rescue" mission has been downgraded to a "search and recovery" effort. However, their hopes are dashed a bit when they discover skeletal remains under some brush back at their campsite. Emma reacts appropriately to this discovery by freaking out that they'll never be found. Dean reacts like...well, a sociopath...by kissing Emma. This, being a Blue Lagoon film, immediately leads to teen sex. As it is also Lifetime, the scene is brief and edited for a TV-14 viewing audience.

Emma awakens the next morning fully-dressed (what?!) and asking for a latte (seriously?!). She searches furiously for Dean, who has run off to bury Chester Copperpot (because making out over his dead body made him realize that the dude deserved a decent burial?). The scene plays out like this:

EMMA: Where did you go!? We made love last night! How could you abandon me like that?! Have you no heart!?
DEAN: (digging) Yo! Psycho! I'm a dude. It's what we do. Never said I was a good guy. In fact, I'm pretty sure the script says I'm not. Didn't I show you my pocket knife in an earlier scene?
EMMA: Wait. What are you doing?
DEAN: Burying the guy we had sex on.
EMMA: Oh. That's nice of you.

(They stop burying the skeleton and go have sex in the lagoon.)

DEAN: I killed my mother. She was driving me home from soccer practice. We were playing Star Wars with the headlights.
EMMA: You didn't kill her. Soccer killed her.
DEAN: Let's move here.

(They spin around in the rain together...which is like sex in the lagoon but not because they have clothes on.)

These two are a match made in psychotherapy heaven.

The best part of the spinning in the rain scene...Emma puts a flower behind her ear, but as Dean kisses her, it falls to her shoulder. He DEFLOWERED her. Get it? It's a metaphor. Enjoy.

Now that Emma is no longer a virgin, the search for her and Dean is officially called off. Regardless of the passage of time and lack of clues to their disappearance, Denise Richards is determined to find her daughter. She even uses weather patterns to give her pleas for help some credibility. But she does make friends with Dean's father...who ultimately convinces her it's time to give up and go home. I love this movie.

I don't know why I ever doubted you, Lifetime for Women.

We're now a little over an hour into the film (keep in mind, this is with commercial breaks), and the teens are busy alternating between getting busy and swimming in slow-motion. In one of the conversations that punctuates their numerous TV-14 sex scenes, we get this:

EMMA: Should we be feeling guilty?
DEAN: For what?
EMMA: For killing your mom, for having lots and lots of unprotected sex, for not trying harder to get home, for not being sad like everyone else in this movie is right now, for all of the above? Take your pick.
DEAN: Nah.
EMMA: How come you don't have any stubble? Did you fashion a make-shift razor or have you just not hit puberty?
DEAN: Bite me.
EMMA: Who was your first time?
DEAN: I was a sophomore. She was a junior in college. It was the best five minutes of my life. Who was your first?
EMMA: Teehee. You. Teehee.
DEAN: Me? I was your...? Score! Was it okay?
EMMA: I got sand in some weird places.
DEAN: Yeah, you did.
EMMA: So since this is all new to me...maybe we should practice more...you know...for my college essays and GPA and all?
DEAN: Done and done!

Three guesses what happens next.

A plane shows up! They run to get the flare gun to signal their location. But they couldn't find the gun. Someone has STOLEN the gun! On a deserted island. Emma said she felt like someone or something was out their watching them. It upsets her so much she shouts, "That's it! I can't stay on this island anymore!" As if she has been bouncing around paradise having non-stop sex INSTEAD of going home and finishing high school. How exactly does this girl have a 4.0?

The honeymoon has ended. They start marking the days on a rock. They start writing the SOS in the sand much, much larger. They just sit around dejected rather than having non-stop PG sex. They hear growling.

And of course, Dean decides to go find the source of the growling to "make it stop." Good luck with that, lad.

The source of the growing? A panther. Which ends up chasing Dean into the jungle. Because that's what panthers do. But what do boys with pocket knives do? They pull them out just in time to kill a pouncing panther...that's what they do!

Now this is the part of my review where my sister would like me to work in the line, "and all the panthers/try to chase me/but here's my flare gun/so call me maybe." But I refuse to pander to such lowly requests.

So instead I offer you this gem. Enjoy.

At this point, we're three-quarters of the way into the film. Yet, this is the first time we see any aspect of survival being presented. Emma and Dean are busy gathering berries and building the shelter while we get clips of scenes from back home where classmates sit in classrooms learning things from teachers WHO SHOULD HAVE BEEN FIRED BY NOW and parents go grocery shopping or mope in lost children's bedrooms. There are even prom plans being made without them. There is sad music playing to help set the tone, too.

But don't worry...Emma and Dean are still getting it on in the lagoon every chance they get. Oh that lagoon. You just can't swim in it without having sex apparently.

And then comes the vomiting! To which everyone's first inclination is TEEN PREGNANCY! Even Dean's first thought is, "Oops, knocked you up, didn't I?" Emma's all, "No, but I'd give anything for some toothpaste right now." So they ignore her vomiting and cuddle in the leaves, contemplating what everyone else on the planet is doing right now. Until it starts raining bath products on them.

MONKEYS! They're responsible for stealing the flare gun and other ziploc bag goodies that Emma has been stocking since minute number one.

Dean manages to get the flare gun loose from the monkey, but Emma overreacts (probably because she's secretly scared that she's preggers with Dean's spawn) and shoots off a flare. Dean's all, "Woah, what are you doing?!" and Emma is all, "I'm tired of hoping!" It's a happy moment.

Her actions have serious consequences. For starters, Dean acts all moody and doesn't want to talk to her. But then they hear a helicopter. They fire off the last remaining flare and get rescued! Yay! That was WAY too easy.

Back to civilization with just eighteen minutes of TV time to spare (including commercial breaks). Emma gets big happy hugs from her family while Dean gets a pat on the back from his dad. Guess almost dying at sea doesn't make up for killing mom. (Don't worry, later he gets a real hug.)

Now home, Emma spends her time catching up on Facebook. I wonder if she's pissed that her account now has timeline. Dean uses his spare time to sneak over to Emma's house, where he is rejected sexually. Bet he's missing the island big time. BIG TIME. Emma is easily accepted back into her popular crowd while Dean continues to shine as a wallflower. He tries to win back Emma, but she caves to peer pressure and avoids him.

Oh...and the ignored vomiting from three minutes ago? Totally not a pregnancy. That or she aborted the baby in a deleted scene. That's probably why Dean ignores her phone calls later on in the "back to civilization" montage. This movie has a lot of montages. Sex montages. Shopping montages. Running from panthers montages. It's montage-a-tastic.

And with only a minute to spare in the movie, the lonely loved-less sister becomes Emma's prom date. I guess it's Emma's and the filmmakers' way of saying, "Look, you had a purpose in this movie." Even though she clearly didn't.

And Dean visits his mother's grave and thanks her for watching over them. Ew! His mom was watching them have all that sex?! LALALALALALA! Can't hear you!

Which brings us to the grand finale! Prom! Dean totally intends to not go, but then his dad volunteers his tux. Because they're totally the same size?! Emma is with her vapid friend who was all about getting her laid in the beginning and is now all about finding her a "pretty boy" to dance with when they spot Dean standing in the rain. In his dad's tux. Did I mention it's raining? Hard. Also a metaphor?

Anyhoo...Emma joins Dean out in the rain and they dance together in soaking prom attire. And the credits roll (with some lame Kardashian show being pimped). This was not the ending this movie needed. There should have been teen pregnancy and a shot-gun wedding. Seriously.

So there's my review. Happy, Lauren!?