Thor (2011) Film 37/50

So...Thor. He's the blond one in this photo, just in case you couldn't guess.

For those of you who have read my posts in the past, yes. I'm going into full detail with this one. If you don't want the spoilers, stop reading here. Otherwise, click on the "read more" link below.

Now, let us commence. I'm taking a hammer to this one.

We start out with a scene from Twister where Natalie Portman is chasing aurora borealis-like phenomena in New Mexico along with the delightful Darcy the Driver (played by Kat Dennings of 2 Broke Girls fame) and Dr. Stellan Skarsgård. Just when Portman thinks her research has gone sour, a giant tornado-encrusted-lightening-bolt-from-another-mother crashes into the desert just a few hundred feet away. The team of scientists immediately drive directly towards the astronomical event in search of fresh data but instead run into (literally, with their van) a homeless man with amazing blond locks instead.

Cut to: Opening Credits and Back Story.

Thrust back to 965 A.D. and an entirely different realm, we witness the quintessential battle of good and evil between Asgard's Odin (played by Sir Anthony Hopkins) and Jotunheim's Frost Giants. Within a matter of a few action sequences, we learn that Odin wins the war but loses an eye while the Frost Giants lose their major source of power, the Casket of Ancient Winters.

The end of the battle flashes us forward again, not back to modern day New Mexico, but a few years later in Asgard. Odin now has two sons: the tanned, blond Thor and the pale, brunette Loki (pictured as adults above). Although it is evident that Odin loves them both equally, the stereotyping here is even more clear: the golden hero (Thor) will be outwitted by his conniving rival for Odin's love and affection (Loki). Best watch your back, Odin.

Once again, we zip a few years forward, now to Thor's big day. But just as his father is about to crown Thor the new and improved leader of Asgard, Frost Giants attempt to steal back their precious blue cube o' power. The plot is foiled by an impressive security system, but the damage has been done: Thor is pissed. He demands justice for the breach of security, although the guilty parties have all been killed in the process. Thor wants blood. Big Daddy Odin says no. As king, his word is law...but this would be a very short movie if this were the end of the matter. Catching his big brother alone, Loki suggests Thor ignore his father's order this once. After all, everyone will be so much happier once vengeance has been properly had. Thor rounds up his best warrior buddies, and they all head for Jotunheim. Obviously, this will end well.

Because we're still only a few minutes into the film and I've already taken four paragraphs to detail the events, let's just say the plan doesn't go so well. Odin comes to his sons' rescue but at the cost of losing the peaceful treaty established between Asgard and the Frost Giants. Having pretty much caused a full-scale war between Asgard and Jotenheim when he should have been taking some anger management workshops instead, Thor is banished from Asgard by his father. Loki pretends not to be happy about this. Hmm...do you think he might have had something to do with this? Not Loki!

So this all brings us back to New Mexico and the homeless blond man being run over by Natalie Portman and company. Turns out, the blond homeless man is Thor! Stripped of all powers, Thor comes across as a raving lunatic. Dr. Stellan recommends they bring him to the hospital (as the man was just hit by a van AND trapped in a tornado), but Natalie is more interested in the strange markings found in Thor's landing spot. Darcy, at least, has the good sense to taser Thor when he keeps going on about a hammer and getting his powers back and catching the next rainbow bridge train back to his father.

The hospital scene is fun. Turns out that Thor is not a fan of doctors or medical treatment. After a team of E.R. nurses and security manage to subdue him, Thor is strapped to a bed in what we'll assume is the psych ward. Bet that velcro will hold him just fine.

While Thor is recuperating, Portman returns back to her research lab to discover the government is stealing all her equipment. They take the back-up of her back-ups AND Darcy's iPod. Bastards. Without her precious research, her only evidence of the previous evening's events is Thor. Back to the hospital!

Of course, Thor has escaped his bonds by the time they return (never saw that coming). Dejected that she's lost her one remaining piece of evidence, Natalie hops back into her van where she manages to once again hit Thor. She's a horrible, horrible driver.

Just to recap for a moment, Thor has now been flattened twice by a van and taken down with a taser. He's really not as impressive as I thought he'd be.

Back home in Asgard, Loki is learning his true origin. Turns out that pale complexion is actually masking his frosty blue roots. Odin adopted him from the Frost Giants...sort of like he adopted their blue cube of Ancient Winters. His rationale: someday Loki would help build an alliance between Asgard and Jotenheim. The reality: Loki yells at Odin until he collapses into a coma. Well, with Thor banished and Odin indefinitely incapacitated, who will rule Asgard now?

Back on Planet Earth, Thor discovers that his hammer has also made the journey along the rainbow bridge from Asgard. How convenient. It's also become a major attraction site for the drunken meatheads of New Mexico. As only one worthy of the Power of Thor can wield it, the hammer is stuck good where it landed in the desert. So good, even the U.S. Government can't get it to budge. So they quickly build a fortress around it. Like that's going to keep out Thor.

Catching a ride from Portman, Thor manages his way to the hammer but cannot pull it from the sandy rock. Didn't count on that, did you? Devastated that he's been emasculated (to quote Nathan Fillion in Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, "The hammer is [his] penis."), Thor allows the government to arrest him. Portman, feeling guilty for hitting him twice with her van and having fallen for his amazing hair and chiseled abs, wants to break him loose. She begs Dr. Stellan to assist. Even though Stellan is sure his son Alexander would have made a far superior Thor, he agrees to help.

Back in the government holding cell, Thor is left alone momentarily, allowing for his brother to sneak in for a visit. Loki tells Thor that he can never come back now that their father is dead. Thor is even more depressed now. Loki disappears but not before taking his turn at pulling on the "Hammer in the Stone" before returning to Asgard. No dice.

Stellan shows up at the government fortress' front door and rings the doorbell. One of the guards answers it. The following conversation transpires:

STELLAN: Can Thor come out and play? His name is actually Dr. Donnie Blake, and he's had a few too many tonight. Sorry about that.
GUARD: Oh really? For some reason, I doubt every word you're saying.
STELLAN: I swear it to be true.
GUARD: Oh, well...in that case. He's right in here.

Stellan and Thor head back to Portman's lab. Since they're both super depressed over losing everything they love, Portman takes Thor up to the roof of her lab. There he teaches her about Norse mythology. She seems really interested in what he has to say, but she's passed out cold within a matter of seconds.  This is clearly a relationship that will last.

Back in Asgard, Loki is making his plans with the Frost Giants. He promises to let them into Asgard in exchange for them doing the dirty work of actually killing off his adopted dad. Because you should always trust someone who betrays the only family he has always known, the Frost Giant King agrees to these terms.

Thor's friends, knowing that Loki is up to no good, manage to convince the rainbow bridge guard to let them pass. They promptly travel to New Mexico and track down Thor with the most unbelievably greatest of ease. Loki is severely put out when he discovers they've left Asgard and sends a killer robot to punish and/or kill them all.

Reunited with his friends and being attacked by a fire-breathing robot, Thor does a complete 180 with his personal philosophy. Prior to this battle, Thor was all about attacking first and considering the aftermath later. But this time it's different. He's in love with a pretty scientist lady now. So now he's all about protecting humanity and blah blah blah. The result? The robot beats Thor into submission. Natalie cries over her now-dead boyfriend. A single tear falls from Sir Anthony Hopkins' coma-fastened eye. Thor's hammer (the one in the sand, not his penis) shakes itself loose and flies way up into the sky. It tracks down Thor and rushes to his hand. With the return of his hammer, Thor awakens with full power and a cape. He is the epitome of all that is sexy and manly.

So the movie wraps up fairly quickly from this point on. Thor turns Loki's robot into minced meat. Thor and company return to Asgard (after promising Natalie he'll return to her soon). Loki tries to invent himself a hero by killing the Frost Giant King, but Thor ruins this plan by telling on him to their mom. Angrier than ever, Loki decides to destroy Jotenheim with a rainbow bridge beam of death. Thor, in a moment of utter desperation, destroys the rainbow bridge as the only means for saving the Frost Giants and their realm. Thor and Loki fall from the shattered bridge just as Odin awakes from his coma in time to rescue them. In a scene ripped straight from The Good Son (1993), the bad seed lets go at the last minute, leaving behind a devastated fake brother and parents.

With Asgard completely shut off from the other realms, Thor falls into yet another depression as he is now separated indefinitely from his one true love. The rest of Asgard celebrates the return of Odin's health and their newly crowned leader Thor. Natalie continues her research of the cosmos in hopes of reconnecting with Thor's abs. The scene has been properly set for Thor 2 (due in theaters next year). As this film has faithfully followed the basic premise of The Prince and Me (2004) starring Julia Stiles and Luke Mably, I anticipate Thor 2 will closely resemble The Prince and Me II: The Royal Wedding (2006). Thor and Natalie won't be able to get married when an ancient law is discovered, requiring Thor to marry an Asgardian princess. Ten bucks says Thor's friend Sif will be behind all the evil this time...after all, Hell hath no fury like a warrior woman scorned.

On a personal note, I'm so glad I got to watch this movie with my dad. He makes movies like this twelve hundred times more fun to watch.