26 August 2012

Underworld: Awakening (2012)
Film 57/50

clearly she's not a morning person. or morning hybrid vampire-lycan creature. whichever she prefers.

I would have thought Kate Beckinsale and Scott Speedman could have produced a better looking offspring than this. No?

So Underworld: Awakening. That's an hour and half of my life I'll never get back.

This movie was a waste of time. To give a lengthy review would be a further waste of my time. It was miraculous that they managed to convince Beckinsale to reprise her role. Speedman was smart to stay away (he must have read the script). And Stephen Rea...what was your excuse?

Red (2010)
Film 56/50

morgan freeman "convinces" richard dreyfuss to star in this movie by torturing him with his sacha baron cohen impersonation

I turned on my television this morning to discover that Red was just starting. Although I vaguely recall it receiving less than favorable reviews, I decided to give it a shot. And while I usually enjoy watching Bruce Willis dodge bullets (even in a role that steals every burned spy movie cliché from the get-go), it was Karl Urban that kept me watching. Sorry, old guys.

And while Red certainly has its share of explosions and CGI effects, this movie isn't really about the plot. It's about the characters. Why else would the filmmakers spend the majority of its budget on what I can only imagine to be a very costly casting bill. So let's take a look at our stars.

20 August 2012

21 Jump Street (2012)
Film 55/50

best use of doves in a film since tim burton's "mars attacks"

Confession: I have never watched a single episode of the television series 21 Jump Street. Having now seen the film, I'm pretty sure that isn't a pre-requisite, as I'm fairly confident that I was able to "get" all the important cameos/references included. Feel free to argue otherwise, Jump Street fans.

Another confession: I initially vowed to never see this film as I was convinced that there was no way in hell that the filmmakers would have been able to convince Johnny Depp to do a cameo for it. As it turns out, they somehow pulled that off. And so here I am. Watching the movie I had once refused to see.

That being said, this movie calls for a list of favorite/least favorite moments rather than a full autopsy. Let us begin.

All Good Things (2010)
Film 54/50

frank langella doing his best to convince ryan gosling not to do this movie.

Hey girl, sure we can get married. But no, we can't have kids, and no, you can't go to med school. Or I'll "disappear" you. But I still love you. Okay?

So. All Good Things...must come to an end. Including Ryan Gosling's boyish good looks according to this movie.

Inspired by a true story, this film presents a fictionalized account of Kathleen McCormack's disappearance and the role her husband (Robert Durst) allegedly played in said disappearance. Of course, in the film the characters are named Katherine McCarthy and David Marks. That doesn't change the fact that you will see Ryan Gosling dressed as the-world's-ugliest-woman-ever should you stick it out for more than half of this film.

18 August 2012

Hanna (2011)
Film 53/50

saoirse ronan would have made an excellent katniss everdeen...just sayin'

This movie makes a compelling argument for why homeschooling should be avoided at all costs. Even if your teacher is Eric Bana.

To sum up Hanna: this movie is two parts The Bourne Supremacy and one part Firestarter with just a dash of Run Lola Run. And of the four films mentioned there, I recommend Run Lola Run above the others.

11 August 2012

The Artist (2011)
Film 52/50

movie still of jean dujardin doing his best macaulay culkin impersonation

I have now seen all of the 2012 Academy Award nominated films with the exception of War Horse and Midnight in Paris. Yaaaay me.

You know what would have made this movie better? If it had been filmed in 3-D.

Actually, the way Jean Dujardin's character feels about "the talkies" is the way I feel about 3-D movies. Except I don't have nightmares about 3-D movies. Nor make a living in the film industry.

I'm not going to go into detail with this review. The movie is cute. The acting is phenomenal. Was it my favorite of last year's Oscar nominees? Sure. Would I watch it again? Eh. It felt a bit like someone taking an hour and half to get to a single punchline. And the punchline was predictable.


05 August 2012

Prom (2011)
Film 51/50

movie still of johnny depp impersonator thomas mcdonell fixing a fountain and making star decorations...you know...for kids

Bet you all thought I was done watching/reviewing movies for the year. Not when there are fine pieces of Disney filmmaking like this teen movie masterpiece to tear apart. And trust me...this one is worthy of being torn to shreds.

Oh, where to begin? There's just so much to say and/or make fun of with this movie. Let's start at the beginning!