Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011) Film 24/50

Oh, James Franco. Aren't you adorable trying to convince us that you're smart enough to cure Alzheimer's. I do, however, completely buy that you would cause the downfall of humanity as we know it. Go figure.

So Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Once you get past your disbelief that Franco is a scientist (assuming you can) and the fact that no actual chimpanzees were used in the filming of the movie (I'm pretty sure that one dog we saw was CGI, too), the plot is totally believable. To-tal-ly.

Allow me now to spoil the film for those of you who have not seen it yet:

Meet Will Rodman. He injects chimps with drugs and then forces them to solve the Lucas' Tower puzzle. (Just your standard Saturday night at the Franco house, if you ask me.) His latest breakthrough, a drug named ALZ-112, successfully repairs damaged brain cells in primates. Or rather, one primate. She's a cute CGI chimp called Bright Eyes, aptly named for the single side-effect associated with the drug: flecks of green in her eyes.

On the day that Rodman and his boss go to beg for the opportunity to start testing their Alzheimer's cure on humans (because success with one chimp means time to test on people), Bright Eyes has a complete meltdown when the feeding crew tries to give her Fanta instead of her usual Diet Coke and tries to kill everybody. She manages to go crashing through Rodman's presentation just as a security guard finally manages to shoot her dead. You would think that a facility like theirs would have trained better for such a situation.

Following this small setback, the big boss decides to 1) can the ALZ-112 project and 2) have the monkey-wrangler kill off all the chimps who have ever been given ALZ-112. What he doesn't realize is that Bright Eyes wasn't really upset about the soda. Nope. Turns out that she had given birth to cute little CGI baby chimp (while no one was monitoring her?) and was reacting purely out of protection of her newborn son. The monkey-wrangler has issues with murdering children and gives Rodman the choice of killing the baby himself or taking him home as a pet.

This would have been a very short movie had he picked the former.

So Franco packs up some monkey treats and heads on home where we meet his dad John Lithgow. Three guesses what disease Lithgow has.

It rhymes with Balzheimer's.

It is immediately clear that this newborn chimp has inherited his mother's ALZ-112 traits, including the lovely green flecks in his eyes.

Time passes, and the monkey is now three. His name is Caesar, and he enjoys spending his days swinging around the kitchen and looking longingly out at the neighborhood children. He sort of reminds me of Robin Williams in Jack, just with less hair. Rodman has started living life as The Man in the Yellow Hat, working from home and teaching Caesar how to read and play chess.

While everything is on the up-and-up for our boys Caesar and Rodman, John Lithgow's mental state has deteriorated significantly. In an act of desperation, Rodman steals some ALZ-112 from work (because they've continued to produce the drug there regardless of the big boss canceling the program) and gives it to his father. I would also like to mention that Rodman only keeps ALZ-112 and beer in his fridge. This man will someday father my children.

Regardless of the clear lack of nutrition in his life, Lithgow responds tremendously to the treatment and can play the piano again. Unfortunately, Caesar gets a bit stir crazy and decides to join those pesky neighborhood kids playing outside. Their dad doesn't take kindly to monkeys, and Caesar gets a boo-boo, prompting Rodman (who can inject people with drugs but not stitch up a cut?) to take the chimp to the vet at the zoo. The vet is an attractive female, i.e. instant love interest. She encourages Rodman to find Caesar a bit more room to play, something preferably outdoors.  Rodman thinks, "Oh, we're in San Francisco. Why not let him play in Redwood National Forest?"

Caesar LOVES the Redwoods. So much so, it causes the movie to fast forward through five years of Caesar swinging joyously through the branches. He's now eight (and apparently fell into the GAP at some point over the past five years).

In addition to the wardrobe change for Caesar, these five years have brought some significant changes (although Rodman's refrigerator continues to only hold beer and Alzheimer's drugs). The zoo vet has moved in, and Lithgow has started producing antibodies that reject the ALZ-112. With the Alzheimer's back on the menu, Lithgow gets into a tiff with that same dad from next door. Caesar, having inherited his mother's protective nature in addition to the whole hyper-intelligence deal, runs to Lithgow's rescue and bites off the neighbor dad's finger.

As this movie is set in California, the chimp gets a court date rather than instant death for his violent attack against the neighbor. But while he waits for his date with Lady Justice, Caesar is forced to live with Brian Cox and Tom Felton at some sort of correctional institution for chimpanzees.

Rodman, having lost his chimp and losing his father's mind, confesses to his boss that he treated his father with the ALZ-112. Instead of filing charges against Rodman for stealing drugs and illegally administering said drugs to a human, the boss thinks purely of the financial gains (this is America, after all) from having an Alzheimer's cure to sell. With flecks of green dollar signs in his eyes, the boss gives Rodman the go-ahead to working out the antibody issue associated with ALZ-112. I'm sure nothing will go wrong with ALZ-113.

Back at prison chimp camp, Caesar does not play well with others. Particularly not with Tom Felton (who is granted the opportunity to yell, "Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!"). He does make friends with a circus orangutan that knows sign language, though. They discover that Cox and Felton are selling off the chimp inmates to Rodman's company. The Circle of Life.

Back at ALZ-113 Headquarters, chimpanzees are reaping the benefits of the new drug, and Rodman is eagerly awaiting the day he can try out his new meds on dad. In the meantime, the monkey-wrangler accidentally exposes himself to the drug. This will either be really good or really bad for him. I think...bad.

Rodman finally sneaks home some ALZ-113 to keep his beer company and to test out on Lithgow, but the results are not-so-good. Turns out the green flecks in the eyes are not the only side-effect of this new drug when used on humans.

So now that he has killed his father (but has succeeded in "curing" the Alzheimer's, yes?), Rodman decides to bribe Cox into letting him steal Caesar. Cox, who likes money, agrees. Caesar, who has learned to hate man, refuses to leave. Caesar has planned a careful revenge against his captors which involves breaking out of his cell, breaking into Rodman's house, stealing the ALZ-113, exposing his fellow chimp-mates to the drug, arranging a chimpanzee pyramid of doom, killing off his captors, and running loose on the streets of San Fran. The end goal: to live happily ever after with the Redwoods. The only thing standing in their way: the Golden Gate Bridge.

Anyone who has seen the trailer for the film knows what happens on the Golden Gate Bridge. What you don't get to from the trailers is the monkey-wrangler dying from Alzheimer's Soap Poisoning but not before infecting the Evil Dad From Next Door (seriously, that guy is just in the wrong place at the wrong time...all of the time). The monkey-wrangler dies less-than-peacefully in his bed while all hell breaks loose in the Bay Area.

Oh, and Caesar learns to talk.

So, long story short (too late!), the chimps win The Battle of the Golden Gate and take over Redwood National Forest. Rodman manages to track down his beloved Caesar and begs him to come home. Caesar gives him a hug and then whispers into his ear, "Caesar is home."

Now, if the movie had been written by me, this statement would have been followed by Caesar breaking Rodman in two before running off to play with his new buddies. But no. Instead, Rodman nods in approval and says, "Caesar is home." Caesar and his buddies climb high into the trees and enjoy the sunset over San Francisco. The credits roll.

But then the credits stop! And we get to see Evil Dad From Next Door leave for work. Turns out he's a pilot. Today's destination: anywhere that has humans just waiting around to be infected with the Alzheimer's Drug From Hell. The credits resume. The movie is over. There. Spoiled it for you.

Hate me all you want. I, for one, welcome our new primate overlords.