Prom (2011) Film 51/50

Bet you all thought I was done watching/reviewing movies for the year. Not when there are fine pieces of Disney filmmaking like this teen movie masterpiece to tear apart. And trust me...this one is worthy of being torn to shreds.

Oh, where to begin? There's just so much to say and/or make fun of with this movie. Let's start at the beginning!

Meet Nova (yes, that is the female lead's name...no, I didn't make that up). She's played by Friday Night Light's Aimee Teegarden (yes, that is the actress' name...no, I didn't make that up). She has been looking forward to her prom night since three minutes before she was even conceived. Her dream prom experience goes something like this...

1.) Get asked to prom by Brandon, because he's super dreamy and has a 4.0 gpa in Prom Decorating 101. I'm sure he'll be WAY creative about how he asks me, too. Because every other girl is getting a three-ring circus show in lieu of the standard, "So...we should probably go together and set up early, right? Here's your ticket. If you want, we can carpool. Pick me up at 5?"

2.) Come up with a completely original, never-been-done-ever-before prom theme. Oooh...I know! Starry Night. There's no way that's ever been thought of...except by everyone.

3.) Finish making all the star-themed, papier mâché decorations at least one week before prom and then store them in the highly-flammable, storage shed about 500 feet away from everything else on school grounds. Because that won't get broken into by some horny football player looking to impress a girl by filling it with lit candles. And that horny football player DEFINITELY won't forget to blow them all out before he leaves.

4.) Buy the most beautiful prom dress ever. After all, this is THE LAST DANCE I WILL EVER GO TO. FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

5.) Have the most amazing night of my life. Because...see #4.

6.) Graduate with prom date, go to college with prom date, get married to prom date, have lots of babies with prom date, live happily ever after with prom date, and grow old and die with prom date because PROM IS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS. EVER.

Try to imagine that list written in pink ink with little hearts for dots over the i's. That's how I'm envisioning it.

I'm pretty sure that approximately 50% of the audience will want to slap Aimee Teegarden in the face at least twenty times in the process of watching this movie. The other 50% will either fall asleep or get up and leave before the end. That is, not including anyone under the age of fifteen.

If you haven't figured it out yet, prom is jeopardized when a barn full of prom decorations burns to the ground. Although no one was harmed and no actual school property was actually damaged, this is the second greatest tragedy to befall our heroine Nova in her entire life. The greatest tragedy being when she discovers that another school has their prom scheduled for the EXACT SAME NIGHT and with the EXACT SAME PROM THEME!

I'm not so sure this girl has her priorities straight.

In addition to Nova's plight, we get to learn about a few other graduates of the Class of 2011. There's Jesse Richter, the John Bender of Walt Disney Memorial High School. He rides a motorcycle and is forced to make new prom decorations with Nova as punishment for always being late to school and cutting last class on Mondays. Then there's Tyler. He's an amalgam of Peter Facinelli's Mike Dexter in Can't Hardly Wait, Donald Faison's Murray in Clueless, and Andrew Keegan's Joey Donner in 10 Things I Hate About You. He's torn between being faithful to his girlfriend Jordon and messing around with sophomore Simone. Then there's the power-Asian couple: Justin and Mei. Justin has their entire life mapped out (much like Nova has her prom checklist) which involves he and Mei graduating, going to University of Michigan together, getting married, having lots of babies together, living happily ever after, and growing old and dying together. Mei, on the other hand, got accepted to Parsons and doesn't have the heart to tell Justin she'd rather go there. So instead she treats him like crap for the entire movie in a passive-agressive attack against Wolverine fans everywhere.

We also have some great supporting cast members, like Nova's BFF Ali...whose one purpose in the film is to hound the Cliché Stoner Kid about his prom date because she suspects his Canadian Girlfriend is an Imaginary Canadian Girlfriend. We also get to know Lucas and Corey, two sophomore boys who have no real connection to any of the major characters other than the fact that they play on the Lacrosse team with Tyler and that Lucas has an intense crush on Tyler's mistress Simone. Lucas is very much the Joseph Gordon-Levitt character from 10 Things I Hate About You, with Corey as his David Krumholtz.

And while one would think the film would be complete with a cast filled with rich, multi-dimensional characters like these, we can't overlook Lloyd. He's the Lloyd Dobbler of this Say Anything wannabe. But without an Ione Skye to pine over. So instead he just starts asking random girls to prom. Guess who he ends up taking to prom. That's right. His stepsister. Thanks for that one, Disney. Way to give awkward seniors everywhere something to aspire to...as if there weren't some freshman girl out there willing to go with him.

So now that you've met the cast of characters (all ripped from the pages of far superior teen flick screenplays), let's talk plot. And this one is a doozie!

Let's see if you can follow.

All the school is abuzz as Nova goes around the school hanging up the Most Beautiful Prom Posters Ever. The entire student body is SO excited to go...that is, except for Jesse, who seems more concerned with looking and acting like Johnny Depp in What's Eating Gilbert Grape than seeking out a date. For the following ten minutes or so, we are subjected to quick introductions of the-rest-of-the-students-the-filmmakers-want-us-to-care-about, along with some unbelievably wonderful methods for asking girls to prom. If only students took a quarter of the interest/effort in doing their schoolwork that they place on prom preparations...at least America is number one in Prom Planning, right?

We've already established that the barn full of decorations (which you apparently can't hold prom without) burns down (thanks to horn-dog Tyler), and Jesse is forced into learning about the spirit of teamwork, cooperation, and school pride by helping Nova re-create the decorations. There is absolutely no way these two crazy opposites will find themselves attracted to each other and kissing by the end of prom. That'd be ridiculous.

Other than that, there really isn't much of a plot. Seriously.

Or adult supervision either. Sure, we get a parent or two here and there. And there's the school's principal. But I don't recall ever seeing a teacher...other than that one guarding detention during the let's-put-on-a-broadway-production-to-ask-girls-to-prom montage.

Ultimately, this movie opts to perpetuate some strange fantasy about what prom is for teens and pre-teens (but most likely pre-teens, as real teens are busy watching PG-13 and R-rated films...or actually partaking in PG-13 and R-rated activities...instead of watching tripe like this)...which according to this movie is THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE EVER and does not include drinking or sex or same-sex couples or chaperones or grinding or any "questionable" activities or themes. After all. This is a Disney production.

As someone who has attended many, many proms (granted, mostly as a chaperone)...I can assure you that this movie does little to realistically portray any element of prom. In reality, the drama surrounding prom usually includes at least one fight per couple involving transportation, post-prom party arrangements, attire, accessories, ticket purchasing, class dues, extracurricular ineligibility due to attendance and/or behavior, or some combination thereof.

And that's just in the weeks leading up to prom. Once you get to prom, there's the added insanity of bathroom vomiting, limousine vomiting, prom court drama, dress drama, table seating arrangement drama, and photo drama. We're talking serious drama. And then there's the post-prom drama...let's not even go there.

But if you were to ask me to pick a film that I thought represented prom the most realistically, I'd have to go with Carrie. No contest.

So, unless you're an eleven year old girl or looking for a movie chockfull of unique and original characters (and by that I mean, they were unique and original when they appeared in the prom-related film they were stolen from), you should skip this one. If you're really craving a prom experience, just download some house music and buy a strobe light. Try not to give yourself a seizure.