Shark Night 3D (2011) Film 40/50

I admit it. I have a problem. I can't not watch a movie with "shark" in its title. I just can't. Is there a support group for people like me?

And this one was a gem, too. Please don't mistake me. It's a horrible, horrible movie. In the grand scheme of shark movies, it is definitely no Jaws. But it's not as horrendous as the direct-to-video masterpiece Raging Sharks, starring the delightful Corin Nemec AND Corbin Bernsen. Yes, I watched that movie. I told you I had a problem. I've also seen Shark Attack with Casper Van Dien. And of course, there's Deep Blue Sea (which I will watch every time I come across it while channel surfing...thank you, TNT). But Shark Night doesn't hold a candle to Deep Blue Sea. How could it? The biggest name Shark Night could manage was Donal Logue. You are NO Thomas Jane, Donal Logue.

But this film certainly puts a new spin on the "shark movie" genre. I almost don't want to spoil it for you, it's that unique. But the movie's so bad, I'm going to. Consider that your spoiler warning for the day. Let us continue.

First, the set up. Meet a bunch of college kids taking a weekend break right before finals. I'd tell you their names, but I honestly don't remember any of them. So let's call them...Not Sexy Nerd, Sexy Heroic Nerd, Football Boy, Football Boy's Girlfriend, Blond Model Boy, Boob Girl, and Sara. Oh, and Sara's Dog. They all pile into an SUV stocked with bikinis and booze. You know...your standard horror film paradigm. Now with 50% more sharks.

The crew travels from Tulane University to Sara's house. The house is conveniently located on a small island with no phone service in the middle of a salt water lake in Louisiana. You can only get to the island by traveling at warp speed in a motorboat. Just past the local sheriff. Who drinks. A lot.

I bet the folks at Tulane are SO happy to be associated with this film.

Oh! I almost forgot Dennis and Red. The yokel locals. Dennis and Sara CLEARLY have history. Red is just a complete waste of a human being. I hope he gets eaten by a shark. But the shark will probably refuse to on account of all the dirt and manure covering him.

I wonder if those rednecks will be important to the plot somehow...

Although there is a perfectly beautiful swimming pool to lounge by all weekend, the group prefers the murky, brown waters of the bayou. So they head out to do some wake-boarding. Sexy Heroic Nerd is driving while pining away for Sara the Untouchable. Blond Model Boy is all "I've never seen her date anyone in our three years of edumahcationing." And Football Boy is doing some amazing flips and tricks while his girlfriend oohs and aahs.

Annnnd cue shark!

Football Boy gets knocked of his board (yes, by the shark). Sexy Heroic Nerd swings the boat back to fetch him but only the board remains. "Hmmmm. Where did he go?" They all scratch their heads. And just when you think, oh, he got eaten by the shark...he reappears! On the shore. Missing an arm. And scares the bejeezus out of Sara and her dog. Everyone rushes in to help. Sexy Heroic Nerd, being the med student, applies a tourniquet while Blond Model Boy shouts at him for taking Football Boy's arm off with the propeller. Once the bleeding stops, Sexy Heroic Nerd decides to jump back into the bayou to rescue the arm. You'd think this would be a futile exercise as the shark has most likely digested it by now...but no! Sexy Heroic Nerd finds the arm! And the shark! SHARK!

Now everyone knows there is a shark. And it's only twenty minutes into the film. Didn't the filmmakers learn anything about creating suspense in film school?

So with arm and Football Boy in tow, Sara and Sexy Heroic Nerd speed off in the boat. Destination: hospital. Football Boy's Girlfriend tries her best to keep her sweetie calm, but his blood is dripping slowly from his wound...onto the floor of the boat...into a small drain...which apparently feeds directly into the water...allowing the shark to track them. Of course. Very believable.

The boat gets knocked and Football Boy's Girlfriend falls into the water. Instead of stopping and trying to lift her out of the water, the others toss her a life-preserver and speed off. Because that doesn't look like fishing at all.

Spoiler alert: she gets eaten.

And to make the scene even better, they decide to skip the hospital and return to the house (I'm not really sure why they thought this the best plan of action exactly); but instead of making it back safe and sound, they end up leaping off the boat just as it crashes and explodes into the dock. Oh no! They have no boat, no phone, no Football Boy's Girlfriend, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Stranded and hopeless, they prop up Football Boy in a bed somewhere and start shooting at the water. Really, you wanted to be associated with this film, Tulane?

As night arrives, so do Dennis and Red. Our new heroes! They offer to take them all to shore, but Sexy Heroic Nerd says they can't risk moving Football Boy again. He's just not stable. You know who isn't stable? Dennis and Red.

So instead of taking them all, Dennis and Red take Not Sexy Nerd and Boob Girl and promise to return with a medevac helicopter. As there is still almost an hour left in the running time, I have a feeling that isn't going to happen.

As they wait for rescue, Sara regales Sexy Heroic Nerd with her pre-college adventures with Dennis. Please allow me to transcribe this scene for you all now:

S.H.N.: So...you and Dennis? You guys...um...dated?
SARA: Something like that.
S.H.N.: What happened? You two lovebirds just couldn't make it work?
SARA: Well, I wanted the college-thing, and he didn't want to leave the water. So on my last day in town, he took me out diving. We were pretty far out there. And all of the sudden, my air gage stopped working. So I gave Dennis the signal (makes choking gesture with her hand), but he wouldn't share his oxygen. And then he started drifting away, like some sort of twisted psychopath. Somehow I made it to the surface in time. And jumped into our skiff. And then I decided to leave the jerk where he was to teach him a lesson. So I started the engine and sliced his face open with the propeller.
S.H.N.: Did you just say...
SARA: I managed to get him to the hospital in time. But he refused to talk to me after that. So I just stayed away.
S.H.N.: Wait. What?
SARA: You hungry? I could kill for some pizza right now.

Cut to Dennis, Red, Boob Girl, and Not Sexy Nerd. Red, with his three teeth, is being his charming self...for example:

RED: What size?
N.S.N.: Dude, you can't just ask that?! Although I'd like to hear her answer, too. Boob girl?
RED: I said! What! Size?!
B.G.: Pig!
RED: I meant the shark. What size was the shark?!

But he was really talking about her boobs. We know this because he keeps staring at them. And putting his flashlight on them. That's not a euphemism.

Back at Camp Murky Lake, Football Boy has woken up. He's all concerned that his girlfriend won't agree to marry him now that he's missing an arm. Blond Model Boy has to break the news to him that in addition to missing an arm, he will also be sans girlfriend/fiancée for the remainder of this film/his life. He doesn't take this too well. In fact, he goes all Mrs. Kipner on everyone's asses and decides to hire a shark killer to get his revenge. Since they're all trapped on an island without any shark killers, Football Boy decides to do the dirty work himself. With a spear. Which he found...well, I'm not sure where he found it exactly. But who doesn't have a spear just lying around these days?

Almost immediately upon entering the shallows around the island, the shark arrives to face-off with Football Boy. You'd think being down an arm would diminish his odds fighting against the GINORMOUS HAMMERHEAD SHARK. But no. Football Boy (with a little help from Sexy Heroic Nerd) win the battle. That was really easy. Way too easy. And upon closer examination, Sexy Heroic Nerd is pretty sure that wasn't the type of shark that he encountered while rescuing Football Boy's arm earlier. Something is fishy!

Which brings us to the twist!

Back on the boat, Boob Girl and Not Sexy Nerd start musing over how a shark came to be in a lake in the first place. (Finally!) One of the moron twins mentions that it's been a particular rough year for hurricanes in the area...perhaps one swam over the interstate when it was flooded. Sure. That's rational. But then Red's all...or maybe we put it in the water ourselves.

Say what?!

Apparently Dennis and Red have been keeping the bayou stocked with all sorts of sharky love. And just to prove it, they toss Not Sexy Nerd into the water. And sure enough, that hammerhead was not the only fish in the sea...or lake. Whatever. Point is, Not Sexy Nerd gets devoured. Quickly. Next up...Boob Girl gets to meet Red's glowing bag of cookiecutter sharks.

For those of you keeping score at home, that's three college undergraduates and an arm down. Just wait until the sheriff comes to the rescue though!

Welcome back, Donol Logue. Drunker than a skunk and hitting on Sara. Of course, everyone sees it coming a mile away (except for Sara, that is): the sheriff is shark pals with Dennis and Red! Oh no! Turns out, the three of them are really into Shark Week on the Discovery Channel (who isn't?!) and have decided to take it to a whole new level of entrepreneurship. They figure that there are a whole mess of folks out in the world willing to pay top dollar to see the stuff they don't show that one glorious week in August. And if you pay well, you can have your own personal Shark Year!

As someone who watches Shark Week religiously (seriously...I will watch anything that has "shark" in the title...although I can't tell you how pissed off I was when I found out that the TV show Shark Tank was not in actually about the type of sharks that swim in the ocean), I have NO interest in seeing any of the films these men make. I am perfectly satisfied with the documentary material Discovery provides each summer. Really. I know I have a problem...but I'm not a psychopath. I promise.

Back to the movie though. And then there were four. Or 3.75 if you want to factor in the missing arm. You probably do. I would.

Since Football Boy is clearly doing better (I don't think you can kill a shark AND be listed as being in "critical condition"), Blond Model Boy decides to take him to the hospital via Jet Ski. I'm sure that'll end well (spoiler alert: it doesn't). Then Dennis and Red return to the island to pick up Sara while the sheriff plays doctor with Sexy Heroic Nerd and a nurse shark. I guess the sheriff was unaware that Sexy Heroic Nerd is pre-med and gets along well with the nurses, because Donal finds himself getting the worst prostate exam of his life.

Okay...it was actually a tiger shark that got him, but I swear there were some nurse sharks mixed in there, too.

Sexy Heroic Boy, having somehow freed himself by melting his plastic handcuffs with a zippo lighter that had been soaked in water only moments before (do they make waterproof zippos?), rushes off to rescue the fair Sara from her sociopath ex-boyfriend. Although he is aware there are other sharks out there (and no one ever seems to be concerned that there could potentially be crocodiles, too), he swims out to the moron twins' boat.

On the boat, Dennis instructs Red to "wake up the big girl...it's feeding time" (that is, wake up another great white...not Snooki) as he lowers Sara (locked in a shark cage) into the water. He then chums her in the face. No, also not a euphemism. And they wait for the shark. But instead...

Sexy Heroic Boy arrives to save the day! He sneaks up on Red and holds him at gun point as he demands Dennis release Sara. Dennis calls an audible and throws a dagger hard into Red's belly. With Red dead, Sexy Heroic Boy has lost his shield. They struggle and both end up in the water, although Sexy Heroic Boy has somehow procured a bang stick...still not a euphemism. Bet that'll come in handy saving Sara from the great white shark later...

Sara is struggling to breath underwater (oh, the irony) so Sexy Heroic Boy takes a moment at the surface to fill his lungs before expelling the resulting carbon dioxide into Sara's mouth underwater. Isn't he pre-med? He does realize that we need oxygen and not carbon dioxide to survive, right? Oh well. I don't really care about "believability" at this point in the film.

And because this film is already longer than it should be, the filmmakers mercifully put us out of our misery by having the great white eat Dennis while Sexy Heroic Boy and the dog manage to carry an unconscious Sara to the boat. Once again showing off his lack of pre-med skills, Sexy Heroic Boy demonstrates that he has the world's worst CPR technique yet somehow manages to clear Sara's lungs of water. She thanks him for rescuing her and then gives him a tender kiss. And then the great white leaps into the air in all of it's CGI glory. I'm sure in 3D that would have been not all that impressive.

As the credits begin to roll, I can see that there are still nearly ten minutes remaining in the video stream time. Since I cannot fathom that ten minutes worth of people worked on this film, I scroll forward to locate the easter egg the filmmakers have chosen to end on. Turns out the final scene is actually a music video that the cast pulled together. It doesn't take long to realize it is absolute crap and turn the video off. Gotta love technology.