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Please do not publish any subsequent installments of Ms. Banks' proposed Modelland series. We get it. Tyra's gotten bored with being Oprah and now wants to be J.K. Rowling.
xoxo,
Jen
Dear Amber,
It was extremely thoughtful of you to send me a copy of Modelland for Christmas. It gave me a hearty laugh when I opened the package way back in December. Unfortunately, I read it.
Still your friend,
Jen
That's it folks. The entire review. That's all I'm giving this 563(!) page monstrosity. If you require more than that, I recommend you take two minutes to watch the following video. It sums up the book quite well.
i've decided to "watch" this video without sound. because, well, sound is the devil. here is what i think it's about:
ReplyDelete1. cheestastic pans of natural scenery
2. creepy disembodied eye. reminiscent of gatsby's tj eckleburg and also representing that lack of god in this book
3. assertive man pose. check out those cheekbones! i could cut myself slapping those!
4. hey, look! it's priscilla, queen of the desert. only more gay.
5. stegosaurus bridesmaids freak me out.
6. i'm pretty sure this is the worst season of survivor yet.
7. i'm also pretty sure i just had a seizure. watching girls run with yellow trains makes me think of brides who pee themselves on their wedding day. not good.
8. in modelland, every artistically chosen archway is a runway.
9. suddenly, we're in a music video from the 80s, or my seizure is back. either way, this part requires more coke.
10. TYRA EYES WATCHING OVER US!
11. what's up with the doll? does this speak to the retarded youth that we bestow upon our models? they, forced to dress up for us, are mere dolls in our eyes?
12. more eyes. we get it already. shmize. you're in a shitty modelland video.
13. you know what's a cool concept? having an emaciated twig creature squirt whipped cream into her mouth. IN REVERSE. because that shit's always happening in modelland.
14. cracked out chick with grapefruit dances like a hooker with dementia. fruit trays in the wind!
15. do you like my ladder??? watch me dance with it. or, hang limply from it, like lindsay lohan at a firehouse.
16. my toothbrush makes me so sad. see. here are my tears. plaque is whack.
17. cracked out green goblin sifts through trash to find the secret tyra mail she accidentally threw out.
18. T O OKE. wait...tyra wants me to toke??? bad tyra! wrong message!
19. tyra has the hot man trapped in her smooth caves.
20. where i'm from, when i lick your face, it means you're mine forever.
21. where i'm from, when i bite your thumb off seductively, it means i've symbolically castrated you and i'm hungry for a corndog.
22. random blond chick: i'm so sad my career highpoint is starring in this "movie"
23. blond chick who should be spoofed on the soup: yes, i have crazy eyes. didn't you see me dance with the citrus???
24. sad looking woman: tyra won't feed me and i'm so very lonely
25. crying lady #13: can you imagine how much worse it will be for us if we win?
26. TYRA SHMIZE!!!
27. check out that dude's horn! dang it's big!
28. feral models ready for the attack!
29. i'm pretty sure there was a pussy...cat...in that shot.
30. naked crying lady gets worst head massage ever.
31. cracked out blond looks like brittany murphy. not in a good way.
32. and i'm dancing with myself...
33. we're like super fierce. ROAR!
34. Modelland!
hahahahaha....your comment is longer than my entire review. by a lot!
ReplyDeletea few recommendations/observations for you based on your list:
A) watch it with sound. there's a bit of dialogue at the end that you will need to hear in order to truly understand the magnitude of tyra's ego.
B) #3...hahahaha!
C) #6...are you for real? i'd watch that season of "survivor" and LOVE IT! jeff probst would rock it!
D) #18...exactly.
E) #19...don't we all?
F) #20 and #21...have i mentioned today how much i love you?
G) #23...i think she has.
H) #24...no seriously, i love you.
I) the book has 48 chapters (although only 47 of them are numbered and titled for some reason...the final chapter is mysterious left blank). so you're about 70% on target with your assessment of the book simply by watching that video...so yeah. just skip the book and watch the video like i recommended.
so...is the video a recap of the book then???
ReplyDeleteno. it's a trailer (made by ANTM contestants as part of one of tyra's ego-maniacally-boosting competitions). but clearly it gives much away if you were able to discern all that from the video. :)
ReplyDeletei'm susie...and i'm tookie? i like the tearful toothbrush moment. man, i need to send you terrible books - that's amazing that you'll read it NO MATTER WHAT! thanks for the idea, amber!
ReplyDeletesusie, not only will i read whatever you send me, i will blog about it. i'm just that open-minded and insane. :)
ReplyDeleteYou read it all though? We should give you a medal for that effort!
ReplyDelete