Something Borrowed (2011) Film 45/50

Dialogue spoken during the scene pictured above:

KATE: What's this remind you of?
GINNIFER: Mmm...tastes like vanilla.
KATE: Uh-huh. Senior trip...
GINNIFER: Paris. That café!
KATE: Yeah!
GINNIFER: I love this coffee.
KATE: I loved that waiter. Remember?
TOGETHER: Jean-Luc!

No, wait. That's the dialogue from everyone's favorite General Foods International Coffees commercial. My bad. But for the record, that commercial is better than this movie. Want to know why? Read on.

So apparently this movie is based on a book. Which I have not read. Nor have any intention of ever reading after having seen this film. My apologies if this offends any of you die-hard Emily Giffin fans out there. Or die-hard Kate Hudson fans. Or die-hard Ginnifer Goodwin fans.

To the die-hard John Krasinski fans, I make no appologies, for if you are truly die-hard fans then you disliked this movie as much (if not more) than I did. No?

Let's break this movie down though.

First, you have three female archetypes: Darcy (Hudson) the overly-confident-and-always-gets-her-way-because-she's-drop-dead-gorgeous paramour, Rachel (Goodwin) the too-shy-for-her-own-good-with-severe-esteem-issues brainiac, and Claire (Ashley Williams) the oblivious-and-sometimes-obnoxious-in-a-wannabe-your-bff/girlfriend/any-kind-of-friend/pseudo-stalker sidekick. Because Rachel is the focus of the story, we root for her, but really Claire is the closest this film offers for being a positive female role model.

On to the guys.

Again, we have three archetypes: Dex (Colin Egglesfield) the born-with-a-silver-spoon-and-unbelievably-handsome-but-devoid-of-all-personal-ambition love interest, Ethan (Krasinski) the tells-you-like-it-is-but-apparently-not-sexy-enough-to-be-the-movie-love-interest-although-truly-the-most-endearing-character-in-the-story guy friend, and Marcus (Steve Howey) the overtly-sexual-and-probably-very-well-hung-yet-makes-up-stories-about-injured-rodents-to-get-laid-by-anything-with-breasts meathead. Ethan should have been the focus of this story being the only likable character in the cast.

The plot. Your modern day refashioning of Shakespeare's A Midsummer's Night Dream but without the fairy dust and a less satisfactory ending.

Rachel and Darcy are best friends forever. Darcy is engaged to Dex. Rachel wants Dex but gave him up to Darcy because low self-esteem equals Rachel allowing herself to be Darcy's doormat even though they have great chemistry as a Salt-n-Pepa choreography team. Dex is content with Rachel but has secretly pined for Rachel since they met in law school. Rachel, having had too much to drink on her birthday, admits to having had a crush on Dex in college prompting the two of them to "get it on" in a biblical and not Salt-n-Pepa dance routine sort of way. Ethan, Rachel and Darcy's best guy friend, uncovers the affair and tries to convince Rachel to stand up for what she wants even though she's too afraid of losing Darcy as a biffle and still doesn't think that she's worth Dex's affection. This all plays out while Darcy tries to set up Rachel with Marcus. Follow?

The reason this story doesn't work? The only character whose love and affection is worth caring about is Ethan's. He suffers from Duckie Syndrome (minus the flamboyant wardrobe) with Rachel as his Andie. What's even worse...he doesn't even get a Kristy Swanson in the end! Not cool! Even if  Something Borrowed is part of a series of books that finds Ethan paired up eventually, you don't leave a John Krasinski character swaying in the loveless British wind like that. Maybe if they had cast Seth Rogan or Andrew Garfield instead. You know. Someone who is acceptable friend-material but doesn't necessarily need to "get the (or a) girl" in the end. And John Krasinski's performance had earned the right to the (or a) girl at the end of this film. Romantic comedy, my ass!

Clearly, I needed to get that out of my system. That or to sit down with a nice mug o' French Vanilla Cafe and reminisce about that waiter I loved in Paris.