The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011) Film 17/50

In order to get Kristen Stewart to make this face, the director made her watch the previous three films back to back A Clockwork Orange-style.

I was fortunate enough to watch this film with my sister; Mystery Science Theater 3000 has nothing on Lauren once she's had sugar. Unfortunately, I can barely remember a single gem from our screening now with the exception of Lauren calling dibs on referring to Taylor Lautner as "Jac-abs" in her film review (coming soon, I'm sure...which translates to sometime around next Thursday). My father was also present for this event (although he was smart enough to check out and take a nap about 20 minutes into the film).

I should probably warn all the 13 year old girls out there reading this that I will be throwing out spoilers left and right from this point on. So with that warning, here's The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1...

Bella is having pre-wedding jitters, because she's having trouble walking in high-heels. Edward has pre-wedding jitters, because he's failed to mention to Bella about the decade or two where he went all "Dexter" on some potential rapist-murderers. Bella forgives him immediately because he "saved more lives than [he] took." There is no cure for Bella Swan's major character flaw à la Stephenie Meyer: the inability to walk without crashing into the ground. They embrace, and the wedding is once again back on track.

Jacob continues to brood over Bella's choice in man and reacts to the Swan-Cullen wedding invitation in a manner that would make Bridget Jones proud...by ripping off all his clothes before turning into a giant wolf and running deep into the woods. I am still on Team James.

The blessed day finally arrives, and the entire population of Forks is present. The wedding scene itself is blissfully brief and followed immediately with various Twilight characters giving individual toasts to the bride and groom. The two standouts from this sequence: Sarah Clarke with her amazing, drunk mom-hair and Anna Kendrick as Jessica "The Uber-Jealous Forks High School Valedictorian" Stanley. (On a side note, I'd love to see the contract Kendrick signed; she might be able to legalese her way out of being in the final film.) The happy couple somehow manage to leave for their honeymoon with only a minor scuff with everybody's favorite wolf-people, DJ Jazzy Sam and the Fresh Abs.

Oh, the honeymoon. First of all, far more is seen in the film than the book was willing to give us. The descriptions of the broken bed and Bella's bruises were about all Meyer could handle writing. The filmmakers, knowing how America and its unhealthy love for Edward and Bella would not find satisfaction with simply images of the aftermath, gave the audience the PG-13 version of the scenes leading up to the broken furniture and bones followed quickly by the most awkward "Honey, I think I'm pregnant" conversation ever. After fourteen fun-filled days of skinny dipping and not sleeping, the honeymoon abruptly ends with the lovebirds rushing back to the only vampire doctor they know.

Bella, knowing that all of humanity and vampire/werewolf-dom will want this demon-baby aborted, calls in the only undead person she knows who has the means to protect her through this pregnancy: Rosalie. With Rosalie's help, Bella is able to bring the baby to full-term within a matter of weeks (explained better in the book). During all this, the following important plot points occur:

• Jacob breaks from his wolf-pack in one of the most hysterically-awesome, CGI-animated wolf conversations ever;
• Bella eventually discovers that Baskin Robbins carries her new favorite frappé flavor: blood;
• Billy Burke continues his reign as my all-time favorite movie dad by simply shouting into a phone as his daughter lies about going to a spa/hospital in Switzerland;
• Jackson Rathbone gets a slightly better haircut but is only allowed one-word lines in exchange;
• Bella proposes her baby names while everyone (including the audience) laughs in her face;
• the Native Wolf Americans minus Jacob build a perimeter around the Cullen Compound in hopes of finding just the right moment to sneak into the glass palace (regardless of the fact that the Cullens leave every door open at all times) and kill Bella's Bastion of Evil;
• and several flashback movie montages are used to illustrate important moments and emotions.

All of this culminates in one of the most disturbing birthing scenes ever and the death of Bella Swan. Edward, devastated by his wife's passing begins biting all over her body, pumping her veins full of vampire venom. Meanwhile, Jacob imprints on the newly born Renesmee (still the stupidest name in all of literary history, as well as the creepiest moment in the series).

The last few moments of the movie are devoted to Bella's transformation from emaciated corpse to mystically-glowing vampire. Predictably so, the first installment concludes on an extreme close-up of Bella's blood-red eyes opening.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I simply cannot wait for the final movie and the return of Dakota Fanging. No, wait. Yes, I can.